This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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