i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
