Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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