you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
