I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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