i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
