Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
