I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
