I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
