ya dads aren't the best wingmen
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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