I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He passed out mid-signature
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
