How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
