woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize