Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
