Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
