I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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