My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
