it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
