Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
