It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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