Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
