apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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