Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
