I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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