he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
