I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
