WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
