How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
