it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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