she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You may now shotgun with the bride
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
