Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
