i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize