Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
