it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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