A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
