Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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