Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
