I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
