They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
