STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
