im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
