I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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