I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I want her autograph on my taint
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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