don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
