Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
