I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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