I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
