We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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