I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
