I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
