He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
