Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
