Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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