An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
