I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
